A series of unfortunate events caused by a rampant ecologist...

“I have known Lauren a long time she’s always been an idiot: sometimes more so, some times less so but always an idiot”. Chris Byrne

A friend once drunkenly sprouted this phrase that now has been adopted and is quoted regularly when I have ‘typical Lauren’ moments. I am apparently the dumbest clever person most of my friends know. After this week I’m inclined to fully agree…I, in the space of a few days, took out 4 cars, one electric gate, a garden wall, myself and nearly stole a car. My one friend truly believes I was somebody terrible in a past life because I have the worst luck of anybody he knows.

Last Wednesday I was on my way to a friend’s house, having just secured my absolute dream job. This job is the job that I would have put as being the job I wanted to have 10 years from now if all went well with my career. To say I was excited is an understatement. I was giddy as a schoolgirl, bouncing in my seat and grinning like an idiot. The one thing I was not doing was paying attention to the road. I slammed at full speed into the back of a row of cars waiting at a set of traffic lights.I caused a three car pile up. The car I hit was actually not owned by the driver but being borrowed and not insured. Luckily nobody except me was injured. My car however is a write-off and to be honest I’m lucky to be alive. The rest is a bit fuzzy as I had pretty bad shock and whiplash. All I know is that my friend Mike came and took care of everything for me. Mike also arranged for me to take his car (since he rides a motorbike and his lies idle) until everything with mine got organised.

Mikes car has sat for a few months in his garden untouched and to say it’s a little dodgy is an understatement. The windows don’t open, it has no air-con and the fan smells like a rat crawled in and died. So driving the 60 km from Johannesburg to Pretoria (a route I do about twice a week) in 30 degree Celsius weather is no fun at all. It also does not have a single panel that is not scratched or ruined in some way but the important part is that it drives. Also there was no spare tyre. Mike warned me of all these little quirks before handing over the keys and then I promptly drove myself to Pretoria to get to work. He also told me if it was stolen make sure it had enough petrol to get far away and if I crashed it to write it off since its insurance value was higher than the resale amount. Once at work I parked on the hill at the top of the driveway and went inside. I was just relieved I could get to work, since in a few days I would have to tell my boss I was leaving the company.

The storm of the centaury was brewing, the wind was blowing and the clouds looked ready to burst at any moment. Suddenly a huge clang followed by a bang was heard. We all ran outside and there lay Mikes car on the opposite side of the road against the neighbour’s wall. One detail Mike had forgotten to tell me was that the handbrake was dodgy. Mikes car had gone rampant and broke out of the office. As the storm broke I looked at the car, sat down and cried. Finally , after being coaxed up by my co-workers, I went down to inspect the damage and promptly locked the keys in the car (luckily I have ninja skills ands know how to break into cars really fast since I lock my own keys in my car so often). One burst tyre and dented boot. Not to mention the fact that the company’s electric gate was completely smashed and lying on the road. I phoned Mike to tell him and expecting a complete flip out instead he laughed till he cried called me a ‘nanna’ and chided me for not writing it off… The best part was at the police station trying to explain that when the accident happened nobody was driving, let just say the officer thought I was a nutjob.

Come Saturday I drove my friend Colby to a local venue where some bands were playing. We took the hubbly bubbly and chilled out until a band I wanted to see came on. At that point we packed the hubbly up and went to put it in my car so we could jam (well so Colby could jam since I was still injured and the best I could muster without pain was a wiggle). When we got there the front door was unlocked and I was convinced I had locked it but this is me, after all, so I shrugged it off put the hubbly in the back, locked up and went back inside. When we decided to leave, we went back to the car and my key didn’t work. Luckily Colby realised his window was open and let me in. Once inside the car we realised something was terribly wrong. All our stuff (except the hubbly) was missing. The windscreen was cracked, the radio missing, there were beer bottles every where and what appeared to be a sex toy on the seat. It was like somebody has broken in stolen some stuff, had a party, broken the windscreen and left. It made no sense but all I could think was “Mike is going to kill me”.

Freaking out, I climbed out the car and looked at it from behind. Tears welling up in my eyes I suddenly noticed that the back was not dented. It was in fact not our car… and yet it had my hubbly in it. Not once but twice I had climbed into the wrong car. After a brief confusion because the car guard was convinced I was trying to steal the hubbly and Colby and I were laughing so hard he must have thought we were mad, we found our actual car (fully as we left it).

So yes Chris I am an idiot…and this week in particular more so.